Improve in another language the hard and laborious way.

So you want to learn a new language?

Boy do I have the thing for you! That's right! Start with my method and you too can speak a new language in ten to twenty years!

Step Zero: Get your learning template from years of public schooling, and "learn" how to learn a language from a few years of Spanish french or German in high school.

Step One: find some phrase books or first year books with some phrases in them. Try to practice saying these phrases to yourself.

Step Two: Get busy and forget about learning the language for a year or two.

Step Three: Get very serious about the language again after watching a special on the Travel channel. Get a few grammar books and some more advanced textbooks because "you've already learned the easy stuff."

Step Four: Burn out after a few months or weeks.

Step Six: Buy some expensive software or audio CD collection as a way to show yourself that you are really serious about learning this language. Start using them and really feel like you are making progress.

Step Seven: find the software or CDs stuck in a closet or under a car seat and wonder why you are so bad at learning languages.

Step Eight: Travel to a country where people speak the language that you have been "learning". Order a meal and feel pleased with yourself. Then notice some other tourist having what appears to be a fluent conversation with a local and wonder why you've been wasting your time.

Step Nine: There is no step nine because you gave up on trying to learn a foreign language and settled for talking to people in English.

So class, what have we learned? Not a whole lot really except that I forgot the real first step and had to add it in later as step zero because I don't want to relabel every step. We also learned that we don't know how to learn a language.

The life and times of Chickens!

There is a lot of Chicken in the world, and some times the chickens are very happy.
Sometimes chickens end up dead and eaten by people.

Chickens are not generally very smart, if you kick them they won't know to run away from you and you can kick them again... particularly if you are playing a "Legend of Zelda" game.

and um some days you feel like a chicken, and some days you feel like... the car?

Well anyhow, today is a very nice day, rainy and rainy!

Wow! I am here.

Hey there, things have been hairy for a while... I got a new job, then worked really hard... and then had to leave to see my daughter born.

Well I am back to writing and feeling great!

I have a few ideas that I'd like to write about in the near future:

Time management isn't working for me and what I plan to do about it.

Breaking through the noise and getting noticed

Some interesting observations about China

Wasting time, cuz I often feel like I am wasting time.

multi-tasking and whether there are too many things on my plate at once.

Setting goals, goals are related to time management, but maybe if I haven't exhausted all I have to say then I can talk about goals in more detail.

So you see, that's some stuff I can write about as I go.

Also, shout-out to that guy who posted a comment a while back about me not writing every day! Hey, what's up? thanks for the encouragement, I wasn't ignoring your comment I just didn't know what to say! :D

Did I mention that editing is boring?

Hey hey, it's me I'm back again talking about editing! Seriously I'd rather be visiting the dentist than hitting the editing. Oh man.

anyhow, it also make me regret not capitalizing things that I wrote several years ago...

Editing

So I've been working on cleaning up a number of my older works so they are presentable. Well, editing is really boring. I know this is no surprise to anyone, but damn. I've been through more than half of the stuff that I need to get through and I've done it in two sessions. Only thing is that I think that each of these sessions ended when I was falling asleep and could no longer keep my eyes open.

Honestly I could finish this stuff much faster if I could just stay awake for the editing. Granted the "editing" I'm doing consists of hitting the Word spell-check and clicking on the ignore or change button, and occasionally making a correction the computer can't figure out. That has to be the least interesting kind of editing possible. next time I need help falling asleep I think I'll be sure and use that to help me fall asleep faster.

Justin Bieber shoes

Check out the first half or so of this awesome short story about some obsessed Justin Bieber fans.

This is raw and unedited, but I appreciate any feedback.

Do enjoy!

Susie liked Justin bieber. Some people said she liked him to much. Susie didn't agree. she had many posters on her wall and even a Justin Bieber calendar. She had seen him in concert multiple times and watched every piece of video she could get her hands on. She had even bought some scraps of his hair off EBay. When people called her obsession sick and pointed out that she was an adult much older than Justin and therefore her obsession with a boy younger than eighteen was bizarre and in all likelihood quite unhealthy she just ignored them. Men had been obsessed with the Olsen twins before they turned eighteen and there wasn't anything wrong with that, was there?

Anyway Susie found that her life was largely meaningless without Justin. She privately called him Justin as though he was her friend. Once she had touched his hand after a concert where she got a chance to have her picture taken with him. She told her friends she wouldn't wash her hand ever again. Her secret was that she was telling the truth, though try as she might she eventually did need to wash her hand. After this she purchased the hair from an online auction and then felt that by touching the hair every day it was almost the same thing.

Today she was looking at an auction for shoes. These shoes were custom Justin Bieber branded shoes that were allegedly worn by Justin. The picture showing Justin wearing the shoes looked authentic. the price was high, but any chance was worth it and she already had a place on her wall chosen to display the shoes.

She maintained that she and Justin had made a special connection that day when she had gotten the chance to take a picture with him. Perhaps he was waiting til the day when he turned eighteen and they could be together without the world thinking ill of her. Yes, that was what Justin was thinking, he was noble and honorable. he wouldn't want people saying nasty things about the woman he loved. There was no way in which this could be wrong.

She stayed up late into the night watching the auction. It would end the next day when she was supposed to be at work. The next day was supposed to be important, someone from the corporate office was coming down to evaluate their performance. It was a hard decision but she had finally chosen to call in sick. Perhaps after the auction was over she would roll into work. She was already looking bad at 4am. If she kept this up everyone would believe that she had been sick.

Time counted down, as the seconds ticked by the price rose. People were bidding at a frantic pace, but she knew that it was hers to win. It was her destiny to be Mrs. Bieber and the shoes were a sign of her devotion. The shoes were now breath-takingly expensive, she was going to cut out her daily coffee if she was to afford them, but how could you consider the price on something this important. With seconds left she submitted her bid. she was so sure of winning she didn't even bother watching the last few seconds count down. Soon enough the future Mrs. Bieber would have her very own pair of real Justin Bieber shoes. There was no doubt in her mind that this was a great moment, a formative moment in her life. She knew everything would be different from now on.

Oddly enough for the purposes of this story she did actually win the auction. You would think with the way I was building it up that she would lose, but she didn't. We should remember though that there were others just like Susie who didn't win, obsessed super-fans who wanted, really wanted autographed shoes worn by Justin. One such person sat in a darkened room with their head in their hands. "No, damn! How could I have lost? what is wrong with you EBay? My bid wasn't good enough for you?". This person would not have been any trouble but for the fact that she too had a shrine to Justin, with a special place set aside just for those shoes. "I take it back, give me just one more chance! I'll bid twice as much! Come on EBay." It was fortunate there was no one else in the room, it made the pain and humiliation easier to bear. "Take it easy, it's OK. There will be other shoes. Yeah, I can just go to a concert and ask him to give me some shoes and sign them. He won't mind, he knows we belong together."

Susie was unaware of the acute suffering going on mere miles from where she lived. The coincidence of their closeness was just that. Though they were both Bieber super-fans and avid collectors of his memorabilia they had never met. Susie was basking in the glow of her win, and didn't even think about the price she would have to pay.

The girl sitting alone in the dark had had time to contemplate and something was becoming clear to her, nothing would stop her. The shrine had grown from a simple picture of Justin from back when he was just a kid on YouTube. It had been four years now, and the shrine had grown an so had Martha's obsession. She didn't really know how she did it or what drove her to do it but before she knew it she was calling the seller of the shoes.

"Hello this is Martha Brown from the Star-ledger. I just wanted to talk to you about the Justin bieber shoes you just sold on EBay. I think this will be a big news story."

"Oh why certainly" the man from the other end of the phone said. "What can I tell you?"

"I understand that the shoes were being sold on EBay and the proceeds from the sale would be going to charity."

"That's right, at least fifty percent goes to charity. I've got to make a living too you know."

"So what can you tell me about how you acquired the shoes?"

"Well I've been in the autographing business for quite some time and I know Justin's manager. So it was fairly simple to get in touch with him and set up a quick signing session. As you may know Justin is very charitable and so we will be donating the proceeds to his favorite Christian charity."

"Yes I see. Do you think that you could put me in touch with his manager? I would love to get a quote from Justin on this story."

"Certainly I think you'll find his manager is a really swell guy."

She suddenly had an inspiration, if she couldn't get shoes from Justin there might still be a way.

"Could you also get me in touch with the buyer? I'd love to cover this story from all angles."

"Well Mrs. Brown I am hesitant to give out such information as I'm sure you'll understand."

"I understand your apprehension, but you must realize if I don't get the story written today it will be old news. You don't want to miss your chance at a little fame do you?"

"no, no you're right. I'm just a little paranoid."

She got all the information she needed from the man, including a phone-number for the buyer.

"oh, by the way Mrs. Brown how did you get my phone number?"

*Click*

She didn't have time to keep making up excuses, it was now time for action.

Susie went in to work after calling and telling everyone that she was feeling better. Even after her boss dressed her down for missing the meeting with the man from corporate she was still elated. Nothing could touch her today, and she still looked sick enough that her boss later apologized for getting angry and thanked her for even coming in at all when she was feeling unwell. He even told her that she should go back home and get some rest, but Susie was feeling good and she refused.

She had arranged to have the shoes delivered to the office the next day. She couldn't wait and even contemplated sleeping at work just to be ready for the next day. Why couldn't that UPS guy show up today? There really was nothing to live for between now and when he came with the shoes. Maybe Justin himself would come deliver the shoes. Wasn't the money going to his favorite charity or something? Maybe Justin would be there in all his glory to hand deliver the shoes. That was probably the sleep deprivation talking. Why would Justin want to come to her work and deliver a pair of his old shoes to someone? She had a Bieber shirt underneath her work shirt just in case, and a few more fresh t-shirts out in her car. Perhaps she would sleep the whole night here, it couldn't hurt anything could it?

The woman had contacted Justin's manager and things hadn't gone well. First she had requested a photo shoot where he could pose with some shoes. The manager said he was to busy and anyway the shoes were already sold. Then she asked if she could get a quote from Justin but Justin, he said, was very busy today. She was also rebuffed when asking about where Justin was and if there was any possibility of getting a quick couple words. The manager didn't give her any information. The woman wondered why her luck was so bad. Couldn't Justin feel the cosmic waves from the woman he loved trying to get in touch with him? Perhaps it was destiny then that she lived only miles from the person who had "won" the auction. She didn't know when the idea came into her head, she just knew that when she arrived at the address given to her by the man on the phone there was just one thing to do.

Susie slept at work that night. It was easy since she had the keys and was in charge of locking up at the end of the day. As she lay down to sleep she spoke gently to a picture of Justin. "Justin my love, they can't keep us apart forever." She was soon sleeping soundly to dreams of Justin singing lullabies for only her.

At Susie's house the woman seeing no signs of occupation felt free to snoop around. one of the first things she found was the shrine to Justin. She was appalled to realize that it too had a place reserved for the shoes. She looked at the computer and saw the winning auction information. So the shoes won't arrive here tomorrow. She had hoped that maybe she would be able to snatch the shoes while Susie was at work, or merely pose as Susie and take delivery from the UPS guy. Now her plans had to change, what would she do? Would she confront the woman at work? No that was much to dangerous. She wondered if the woman would be home tonight, and thought about what she might do if it were her. "no she'll be sleeping at work, that's what I would do." Maybe she could kill the woman while she slept at work, but no that wouldn't work the shoes would give her away. What to do then? what to do?

Susie awoke to the sound of Justin gently cooing from her cell phone. She went to the restroom to fix herself up. She seriously hadn't thought this thing through, Justin would certainly be here and there would be cameramen and she looked like this? Why hadn't she thought about that last night? She furiously worked a comb through her matted hair. Was it worth it to try and shampoo her hair with hand soap from the restroom? No that would be worse than not washing at all. She washed her face and continued combing her hair. The overnight delivery is supposed to arrive by 10:30am, but what if they come at 8:00am? That means I need to be ready. What time is it now? 6:30, OK I have some time. When her boss arrived at 7:30 she was ready and looked as fresh as a spring daisy.

goofing off

I would say that goofing off is something I am very good at. When you are trying to write the goofing off can feel very frustrating because you know you aren't "working". I've read about studies saying that the ratio of goofing off (or some other more scientific term) to working in creative jobs is very high. Does that mean that you have to be goofing off?

I think the stories about scientists who find solutions to hard problems when they are out taking a walk is fairly instructive. Nobody playing video-games in their mother's basement has ever found the answer to a tough scientific quandry, with the possible exception of someone who has worked hard for years on a problem and just happens to be playing xbox in their mother's basement.

These are not original sentiments, but I repeat them because they bear repeating. If you want to be productive then you need to do the work, but you also must be able to let up and let your subconcious mind work on problems while you are not conciously thinking about them.

It's hard to be clever when your nerves are frazzled and your mind is tired. That's how this applies to writing. Sometimes you just need to goof off.

Now if you'll pardon me I need to go do something useless.

Inadequacy

Recently I started listening to Stephen King's book "on writing".

It had me feeling most inadequate I mean this guy was spending thousands of hours writing, and I hadn't been spending nearly that much time writing when I was that age, or since then.

So then I was on a spiral of self-doubt and my mind kept going back to Malcolm Gladwell's ten thousand hour rule from "Outliers". In which he talks about achieving true mastery of something requires 10,000 hours. I was sure I was no where near ten thousand hours, I mean I've been wasting so much of my time... So I have been laboring under the idea that I am nowhere near that many hours and so my writing must be terrible and inane and god-awful, ETC.

Well this evening I was going through a stack of notebooks and papers from high-school and university, and interspersed amongst the math science and history notes and poorly written essays are just scads and scads of bits of creative writing. There are short scenes between two people, there are poems, and short stories and little parody sketches.

Every single notebook, no matter what subject, what year, they all have some bit of writing that I was doing just because I love writing. It absolutely blows me away because I was thinking that I didn't have the experience writing and that my dream of being a writer was hopelessly lost because ten thousand hours is just such a large amount of time.

I hope we can all take a more realistic look at how much we have accomplished and not just look down on ourselves and think of of ourselves as underachievers. I know I have. I've looked at things I've written and thought they were genuinely good and funny, but the thought keeps coming up that I must be mistaken and they can't be because I don't have that 10,000 hours. Or I think I am biased because it's my writing... Well I'll be damned if it isn't just a possibility that I am a good writer?

I know I haven't written as many words as Stephen King had when he was my age, but King is not the measure of all writers. The fact is he writes good stories, but you know what Douglas Adams probably wrote fewer words in his entire life than King had written by the time he was 25, but that doesn't matter because Adams changed my life with the words he wrote and I think he is one of the best most imaginative inventive writers to ever put pen to paper or finger to keyboard. In fact for the first five years after reading Adams my writing was a pale imitation of his. I could never say any of that about Stephen King.

Kindle Publishing

great article I found about publishing on the Kindle from a guy that had seven novels he had been giving away for free from his website that he decided to publish on the Kindle for $1.99 and started pulling in almost $1,000 a month.

That's not bad for something you're still giving away for free!

http://jakonrath.blogspot.com/2009/05/ebooks-and-free-books-and-amazon-kindle.html

It is well worth noting that that post was from 2009, and as of today he writes "In March, I earned over $68,000."

That is why you should publish on Kindle... he started publishing two years ago (I don't want anyone to think he started writing 2 years ago...) and now he could spend his time worrying about whether he wants to drive his Porsche or Ferrari down to the lake house!

new of my... something

So, what's happenin fellow travelers?

right now I am working on developing an iPhone app about making excuses and at other times I'm also entertaining all sorts of other ideas about what I could be doing. I have a bunch of podcast episodes that I have not uploaded and would like to. also I need to deal with getting my stuff more easily findable. I was thinking about some stuff I could post on youtube. I think what I will post up there is some animation Which I will work on very shortly.

Yeah so that's what's going on here, I hope you're having fun!

The biggest trick to writing without a block.

You ready for it? The one trick that will destroy writers block forever?

What could it possibly be????

Relax.

Sorry I wanted to play the shtick up.... anyhow that is my answer to writers block, but I think I need to explain.

In my life I have written two plays that I think are really special. I have written a lot of other things, but nothing that I feel measures up to these works. I have also spent a large amount of time chasing after the phantom of these plays and trying to recapture the magic that happened when I wrote them. I think I have hit on an answer that may finally make some headway on this problem.

I realize that having recently asked my mom what her opinion is on how I can write more and better, the question of anxiety couldn't have possibly come up in that discussion because it would have been an admission on her part that she could now observe something that she had a hand in creating and had done nothing to help me with in the entire time I was growing up.

So I will tell you the story of the two plays "The count of Venice", and "Malaria: The Musical".

The Count of Venice was written about ten years ago. I was at the time taking a pen and a pad of paper around with me just in case I had an idea come to me. So one evening I was out taking a walk, it was late July or the beginning of August. I wasn't in school there wasn't a whole lot that needed to be done, I am not sure what year it was but perhaps it was the summer before I started University.

I was out taking a walk and this idea came to me about a count, a very pompous fellow and he would go into a panic over something insignificant. Then it came to me that it should be a hangnail and he should have a lot of advisors that would react as though it were in fact very serious. I then got out my notepad and very quickly started writing down the outline, one thing after another came to me and it all made sense and so I wrote down the outline on this long thin notepad that you might use for a shopping list, and I think it took two pages front and back.

I was quite happy with that outline and was determined to write the play. At the time we had an older computer around the house that wasn't good for much other than word processing. It certainly was not much good at browsing the internet, well I used that computer to write on because I didn't want the distraction of the internet. I would sometimes just roll out of bed and start writing, or I would not even get out of bed and start writing. At the time I think I carried a floppy disk back and forth between the older computer downstairs and the newer one in my bedroom. Most of tthe writing was done on the old computer downstairs while I was sitting on a high bar-chair, which was kind of like a barstool, but had a back to it. I started writing at the beginning of August and finished at the end of August. "the Count Of Venice" was my magnum opus, I believe it clocked in at 87 pages and it was the longest thing I'd ever written. It was fantastic, but I don't know if anyone has ever read it. Certainly it has never been performed.

Needless to say for someone who struggles to write and rarely put together anything longer than two pages it was quite something. At the time I thought that it would change everything and I would never struggle to write again... boy was I wrong. I now believe that the way I framed it then and have up until this very night thought of it as "inspiration" was in fact relaxation.

So why do I think that it is relaxation, because that's what I've come to realize that both plays have in common. I was relaxed about writing them. It's not just about being relaxed and leaned back in your chair because that's fairly easy. It's more about being at peace with the act of writing. I have tried everything to reproduce the process of writing either play. I've tried taking long walks with a pencil and paper in my pocket. I've tried making outlines. I've tried coming up with silly stories with silly main characters that need to be taken down a peg. I've tried writing on computers not connected to the internet. None of them produced results, but I never tried simply relaxing and not worrying. Actually this comes down to a distinction I was realizing in language learning. In language learning you have to be paying attention to learn, and that's the kind of learning that is confusingly called "unconscious learning" to differentiate it from the grammar and vocab practice that is the hallmark of traditional language learning. Well that learning does take place mostly in your unconscious , but there is nothing unconscious about it. You in fact have to be paying attention and actively interested in order to learn anything. So I think it would be more properly called "attentive learning", however back to my point, the writing process is not divided between two false alternatives of worried or active writing on the one hand and relaxed or passive writing on the other. The relaxed end of the spectrum always seems like it is supposed to be some kind of passive state where you are just letting the muse work through you. In reality the relaxed state is a very active and attentive state, you are paying full attention to what you are writing. In fact you are so absorbed you don't even have any attention to spare for worrying or anxiety.

So writing "the Count Of Venice" I was in a relaxed state I was not nervous or tense, I was not pushing myself to write. I was relaxed and just enjoyed the writing. Now how do I know that it was relaxation and not something else? Well this evening I decided that I would write a part of a story. So I sat down at the computer feeling worried about how the writing would go. I could see in my mind's eye how the evening would go, I'd get a few halting sentences out and end up feeling like they were terrible and perhaps I should just give it up for lost, and then I'd either push myself to keep writing something I had no interest in or I'd find myself browsing websites for news about the latest videogames. In that moment I decided that I would not worry, I'd just relax and enjoy writing. That there was nothing bad going to happen, I might write something bad I might write something good. I just needed to relax about it. So I did. I took a deep breath, relaxed back in my chair and decided to not be nervous about writing. This is not an absolute fix, I still need to work on being able to relax about my writing.

I think I should also talk about 'Malaria' because it reinforces the idea here about relaxing. Now 'Malaria' was written in such a Zen state of relaxation that I can hardly remember the process. I remember I started writing it one day in a thoroughly boring class about South America and perhaps south american politics. It was the worst and the professor was an out and out admitted communist. But it was easy, so I didn't have to spare any attention and could devote it entirely to writing a silly play with overt references to the Bush administration attacking Iraq and whatever else I found amusing at the time. In fact I believe I may have modeled one of the characters on my droning professor. Point is though, I was super-relaxed. The classroom was quiet apart from the droning prof, I knew I didn't have to pay attention because the class was super easy, and I had no special reason to be worried about what I was writing because I was just writing it for my own amusement. Now later after it got picked to be produced in the theater department I was a complete nervous wreck about it and couldn't make decent revisions to save my life. In fact I wrote an entire 26 page play the Sunday night before our revisions were supposed to be done using the exact same characters and setting since the play had already been cast. I mention that play to point out that you don't need to be relaxed to write, but if you want to write well it helps to be relaxed. I think that play I wrote in one evening is probably quite cringe inducing, and I'm glad it never saw the light of day. I still felt very nervous about the revisions and so enlisted the help of my best friend in revising it, we did a terrible job of revising it and I blame myself and the director for turning the play into crap by the time we actually put it on stage.

Well anyhow, that's the tale. I have tried very hard to reproduce the process that made either play, but I don't think I'd grasped the essential similarities until now.

So my answer is relaxing and it works, at least thus far it seems to work. I got into a relaxed mood and wrote 500 words in real short order. and this little essay is somewhere around 1700 words, I haven't felt the least bit nervous about it, just focused and attentive on the points I want to make. Now relaxing is something that most people who know me think I don't have any problem with. They think I'm always laid back and don't worry about anything, but that's not true. I do have a facade of not worrying and of bored indifference... However that's a bit off the main topic and I have gone on more than long enough. Thank you for sticking with me if you did. Please leave comments if you don't agree or have something to add that perhaps I missed.

Elephants, On The Eating Of.

You would think that a blog about writing every day might get updated every day. Well too bad!

I have been writing most every day, just not in the blog. I've just started on a new project related to language learning. I can't really go into it because it's too early to say much about it. But it is a pretty exciting application of the ideas of Stephen Krashen in a multimedia environment. Which is a bad way of saying that if you were to take Rosetta Stone and make it useful then you'd have what I'm talking about.

I may post the proof of concept video, I'll edit it and see.

Sorry I'm being so tight on the details.

Anyhow, this idea that I'm working on is going to be a lot of work and from where I'm sitting it looks like a huge mountain. In fact it is not something I can possibly do alone, but for the time being I will need to go it alone.

What does this have to do with writing? Well I figure that any story of a reasonable length and complexity is a huge task. Even if you are the worlds fastest writer and you never have writer's block it will still take you a good long time. One thing I was never given the respect necessary to develop competency in seeing projects all the way through to completion. The end result is that I really struggle to do task that are long complex or have many parts.

anyhow, as they say the only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time.

That's all for this post, later I want to talk about breaking a project down into manageable parts and goal setting and whatever else that comes along with taking on a large project.

What to do when the story is just going nowhere.

Sometimes I will just start writing without a plan or a thought on what I'm writing. I think I do that from a compulsion to write. However it seems that writing without even having an idea of what you want to write about is not the easiest way to write. Take for instance this dialog that I was just writing.

Hey there buddy, what you up to?

oh me? not much.

you ever seen a wet bird fly at night?

a what? I don't think so.

would you like to?

No, if I'm honest I donn't think I care about what a wet bird looks like flying at night.

Well it's not that, because you see it's slang for something.

oh so what does it mean?

I think it has something to do with sex. I don't really know

Yeah it's the ladies man!

who was that?

that was the ladies man!

well how did he get here and why was he talking just now?

I don't know, I thought you might have been the cause of the ladies man.

Perhaps if you talk about wet birds flying at night and sex then the ladies man appears.

yeah, like bloody Mary or something.

Did someone call for the ladies man?

See there he is again!

But where did he go?

probably went to go find a lady, cuz that's what the ladies man does.

Wow that is just fantastic!

So what do you like to do on a saturday night?

I like to go to clubs and dance.

Yeah really? me too! let's go to a club together!

(at the club)

yeah, check out all these fine ladies in the club!

Let's dance!

(they dance)

Yo I spotted a fine lady, I'm gonna go dance with her!

(can't spell hater without h e r)

(he goes to dance with a lady)

Hey baby you so fine let's dance together!

No I don't think so!

As you can see there isn't much of a story there. I will on occasion write things like that, or write dialogs where people are just fighting for the sake of fighting. Good confrontational dialog is funny and fun to write (a good example is "The Taming of the Shrew"). but pointless jabbering of characters is pointless. Or to not have a completely circular sentence, if the story doesn't go anywhere, if you have no idea why these people are fighting then the dialog loses it's snappiness and isn't clever or funny.

So no grand conclusion I just wanted to share the thought... I think it's time to dig into my backlog of ideas, though as I recall many of them are written down on scraps of paper that happen to be in China right now.

Working as a teacher

for the time being I'm working as a substitute teacher. I never thought of myself as a teacher but I have been teaching English in China for several years, and recently gone into subbing.

So that got me thinking about teachers that are writers. It seems to be very common, and I think the summers off makes it easier to be a writer and a teacher. On the other hand I don't know of any good writers or writers that I enjoy reading that are also teachers. I also find that many of the teachers who are writers are not very interesting. So does being a teacher or having the security of the teaching profession make you a boring and uninteresting writer?

If you think about it most of the textbooks you had to read in the course of school were written by teachers and textbooks are universally dull tedious and uninteresting, much like most classes I suffered through in school.

My experience subbing has shown me that these kids would learn a lot more with a library card. I think it is fairly obvious that the schools we have today are not producing competent adults, they aren't even about learning or any of that. I wouldn't say that a good teacher can't be more effective than reading books on a subject. The teacher can know the subject well enough to guide a student down the right path. That kind of guidance can save a lot of time, but at some point the student is still responsible for their own learning because once you get really good at something then there is no one there to give you guidance. Just think of Einsten, he didn't have anyone to tell him how to figure out relativity he had to pursue it and take all of the information he had and find a way to understand it. That kind of understanding can never come from a teacher, but must always come from a learner's interest in a subject and dedication to learning. In this kind of pursuit a teacher can be anyone who is informed about the subject.

Well then if you are a public school student who would like to be a writer someday read as much as you can and write. If you can get published in some way, even if just in your school paper, then that might help you later get a job writing for a living. If the teacher objects to reading a book in class tell them they need to be more interesting than you might think about not reading a book in their class. If that doesn't work you can always drop out and spend your days at the local public library.

Write every day.

The mantra of everyone who has looked into the question of how to be a writer is "write every day". If you read a book about how to be a writer you will invariably see them telling you to write every day. Everybody insists on it because writing is like eating an elephant, a huge task that takes a long time.

If you write every day then you get ahead of the curve, and even though this is a substantial elephant that requires things like editing and getting your elephant published (I'd like to see a published elephant). It all has to start from your written work.

One thing I want to do with this blog is to report on how much writing I am doing. So today's writing has been this blog post and this week's writing has been several blog posts and some journaling. I would like to be writing more fiction, stuff that is more creative. But I haven't really felt particularly creative.

There have been studies done on the question of how people stick to writing. One I read about from one of Krashen's books found that people punished for not writing would write more, but have fewer unique ideas and had much reduced likelihoods of continuing with writing after the study finished. and the ones that wrote the most consistently were those that had someone they simply reported their writing to every week. And since writing is a battle of attrition against blank pages the winner is the person that does it most consistently.

I'll do a post later that goes into it better after I look up that study.

Addicted to my internets

A few years ago I used to spend a ridiculous amount of time chasing down every last detail about my university's football team. Then it was tracing down every bit of information I could find on Nintendo DS games because I was worried about missing a hidden gem. The problem with that is I spent far more time looking up information about games and refreshing videogame websites like Joystiq.com or gonintendo.com than I did actually playing games. I would even read all the ridiculous and stupid comments that people would leave... It was I think a classic addiction because I felt nervous and anxious whenever I wasn't checking the internet for some obscure tidbit about a video-game or my alma mater's football team.

I've not as of yet entirely kicked the habit, I will sometimes sit refreshing iTunes every five minutes because I hope someone will release a podcast and I will be able to ignore whatever it is causing the tension for a little longer.

What's the solution? well part is to not be so hard on yourself. You can't beat yourself up over "wasting time" because attacking yourself is the opposite of a solution. You can try being more gentle with yourself, and try to find a therapist. Now I've been to two therapists since the beginning of the year, the first one seemed to be pretty interested in wasting my time and money. The second one couldn't even answer a simple question about something she found negative in her training, how can she have any hope of talking honestly about negative parenting? She can't so I'm still looking for a better therapist. Though at the moment I'm sticking with the second one because she isn't a big drain on my bank account.

So in the end what am I saying about internet addiction? Well if you feel like you have it, or any other kind of addiction then you should get some help and not attack yourself, try to be your own best friend.

what is good writing?

Something that comes up often is the attempt to classify things as high-brow or low-brow. This is especially prominent in fiction where you have the popular books and then you have what English professors think of as real literature.

I think it comes up because people wonder why the market doesn't reward them for having more schooling and thinking deeper thoughts.

This is something that I find hard to navigate because on the one hand I don't care for the elitist tone that people take when they talk about literature versus what Dan Brown writes.

Now if we think about it Dan Brown and the a writer of literary fiction both have to sit down and write their book. They have to draw from their brains whatever kind of ideas they can, they then have to translate that into words on a page in order to convey some meaning to the reader.

The first difference between them is that Dan Brown sells millions of copies and the literary fiction writer is lucky to sell a few thousand. Now why does he sell millions of copies? Because people like his books and buy them and they tell their friends who also go and buy them.

There are many reasons why this happens and Dan Brown can afford steak dinners and the writer of literary fiction has to survive on foodstamps. One is that Mr. Brown makes it very easy to read his books, he guides the reader through the story in a very direct manner. He then has exciting events happen and he writes in a fairly simple manner so that the average person doesn't have to struggle to understand what is going on.

So the meat of it is that his books sell because they are easy to read and have exciting plots. Does it matter that he writes in a laughable manner much of the time? No not at all because it makes some semblance of sense and even if it is all spectacular hogwash it makes the reader feel smart.

Rewarding the reader is one of the important things that we as writers can glean from video games, because you see in well made video games the player is constantly rewarded for playing. From Super mario Bros. where you got that coin sound for collecting coins, or you felt clever for having discovered a secret passage or warp pipe all the way to now where you have call of duty or World of Warcraft that are constantly rewarding the player with points and numbers that help to progress their character. Those well designed programs of rewards are the reason that millions of people have sunk hundreds of hours into those games.

That translates to books because on a pure behavioral level if there are no rewards for continued reading then your reader will stop reading and not recommend your book to friends and then you won't be able to afford that nice house on the Riviera.

I want to think of a good example, and what comes to mind is Harry Potter. Mrs. Rowling starts off immediately by making the reader feel like they are a much more interesting friendly and open-minded person than Mr. Dursley. Then we have the interesting question of what is so objectionable about the Potters that Mr Dursley would be so reluctant in bringing up the topic with his wife. That payoff comes pretty quickly, but then there are other questions and some people feel smart because they figured out that the Dursleys world had magical people, of which the Dursleys strongly disapprove.

Anyhow, my point is not to analyse Harry Potter here, but to talk about a few ways one can make your work more appealing and more likely to sell. Needless to say, a literary fiction which makes the average person feel confused stupid and ignorant is not going to appeal to as wide of an audience. It can still appeal to enough people to sell a fair number of copies, as we see with writers like Thomas Pynchon. His work also functions on the same principles. His audiences like to feel smart and like to be rewarded, after all even academics are human.

I guess in the end I'm not going to advocate that you write books that are appeal to the lowest common denominator like Dan Brown, But I do say that you ought to write to be read. You ought to make your writing for people to appreciate. Because what good is a clever idea or story if no one ever reads it?

Zombies eating my brain!

So today I am not terribly sure about what I want to do. I feel like I should write something and have something to show for myself, but as of yet I only have a few ideas floating around and some stuff sketched out. I do have some amount written down but I'm not sure where it's going.

Well anyhow I think that I ought to get to writing some more. So that's what I'm going to do today.

Sticking To Writing Podcast #1

sticktowriting podcast

The first podcast on the topic of sticking with writing. I've got a backlog of a few podcasts that I hope to clean up and post as time goes on.

Let me know what you think in the comments!

Community of writers

Some people say that having a community of writers and writing friends is helpful in writing.

I don't really know, I can see that having someone to help push you and encourage you to write every day can be helpful to keep you on task. On the other hand I think that the practice of talking about writing and doing workshops is largely a waste of time if the end result isn't more writing.

ugh, someone is watching some stupid rednecks in a reality show in the next room, god I hate TV.

forever Young

Krashen has a nice article from October about keeping your brain fit.

Who doesn't love Krashen? in the article he recommends reading, learning a second language and drinking coffee. I don't know about drinking coffee but I like reading much better than silly things like watching TV.

"Older people who read more do better on tests of mental ability. If fact they do a lot better"

http://www.sdkrashen.com/articles/Keeping_Your_Brain_Young.pdf

greets

Alright a fresh morning to start off with. Though granted it isn't morning when I am writing this.

Well so this is the first post, I am full of plans for this blog, I want to talk about writing and language learning and other interesting topics that cross my mind. I also plan on releasing some podcasts to accompany the blog and for the moment I'll post those on posterous and link to them. I have a few which need cleaning up first.

Welcome to my new home, hope you enjoy it!

Malaria the musical

Malaria the musical*

*not an actual musical

lights up:

scene 1 Morgan and steve

Morgan and Steve are sitting around a fire talking

morgan

Steve! Look what is that?

steve

Relax Morgan we’re in the jungle don’t worry.

morgan

Don’t worry? Is there a better time to worry?

steve

Look it’s not that you shouldn’t worry, but plenty of things move in the jungle. Don’t worry about every single one.

morgan

Will you tell me when it’s a good time to worry?

steve

Yes, I’ll tell you when to worry

morgan

Thank you.

Pause

morgan

So where are we going?

steve

Well there’s this tribe I wanted to visit and they live about two or three days west of here.

morgan

Oh um… why did I agree to this?

steve

I believe it was because you really care about people and want to help them.

morgan

Oh, was I drunk when I agreed to this?

steve

I can’t say precisely, but most likely.

morgan

So why again did our guides leave?

steve

Well I believe I said, uh they needed to get back to their families.

morgan

And this isn’t true, is it?

steve

No, not as such.

morgan

They were scared, and we’re in horrible danger right?

steve

Yup.

morgan

So, you know I hate you right?

steve

Right

morgan

Kay, just making sure we’re clear on that point.

Pause

morgan

So, what now?

steve

Well we’re going to study the natives and disease patterns for six months and then return to civilization and become world famous anthropologists. Provided they don’t kill us first.

Exasperated

morgan

Provided they don’t kill us? Is this a likely scenario?

steve

Likely, well… yeah you could say that.

morgan

What in the hell do you mean by that?

steve

The last team of researchers to study this tribe was never seen or heard from again, they were probably brutally murdered.

morgan

This is insane! I want to go back and I want to go back now!

steve

Well that’s a bit of a problem.

morgan

What sort of problem?

steve

Y’see I told our guides to meet us back here in six months, and without them we’d get lost and most likely captured or shot by a warlord in a neighboring country. And I… I also forgot the satellite phone.

morgan

Oh… oh, now you tell me all this? When we get out of this don’t ever speak to me again!

steve

Do you want me to start now?

morgan

Now? Good god no, how would we ever survive if we don’t speak.

steve

We should get some rest; we have lots of traveling to do tomorrow.

morgan

I don’t want to find that tribe. For all we know, even if they don’t kill us, they won’t be very nice.

steve

You’re right they probably won’t be very nice, but frankly we can’t survive without their help.

morgan

Why do you always take so long to tell me the important details? Like oh “we can’t survive without them”

Defensively

steve

I don’t always

morgan

Shut it I didn’t ask for an answer… Look alright I guess we have no choice but to meet up with this tribe. Just, please try to not get us killed.

steve

Alright, believe me I’ll try to not get us killed

morgan

Thank you now let’s try to get some sleep

light down

scene 2 tribal council

Peter and George are sitting together they have English accents. Also in this scene Chief shrinking tree, zeighdaughk, allebelujawaguh, timepiece, and running faucet their accent is not kind of a mix of regional accents. The intent is to not place the play in any specific local.

peter

Here here, a little quiet please. Thank you. I now call into order the 301^st tribal council and I proudly present the grand honorable chief shrinking tree!

Enter chief shrinking tree stage right

shrinking tree

Hello and welcome to the 301^st tribal council. First item on our agenda is the tribal policy of killing people. Now this is on our agenda because Peter and George have voiced concern with the policy. Peter and Georges Eurocentric views are highly questionable; however we will give them the benefit of debating the matter. Now I would like to hear from other tribal representatives.

Zeighdaughk motions to the chief

shrinking tree

Yes Zeighdaughk?

zeighdaughk

Thank you oh mighty chief, I must respectively ask of my good friends whether they have considered the economic impact or given due consideration to the interests of those currently employed in people killing. Look do we really care about people not in our tribe I mean really. The gods created other people for us to kill so why should we defy the will of the gods?

shrinking tree

Thank you for your comments zeighdaughk

Running faucet motions at the chief

shrinking tree

Yes Running faucet?

running faucet

Thank you, now I have not prepared any comments today, but look how can we pretend that people outside of this tribe aren’t people as well. Imagine if you were in another tribe and you were killed by our tribe, you wouldn’t like that much would you? we can’t just keep on killing people it’s thoroughly unethical.

Allebelujawaguh stands angrily

allebelujawaguh

I don’t see what you think you’re getting at here. Of course we have the right to kill people the gods have ordained it!

running faucet

What gods? Your god, my god what god are we talking about? Don’t people in other tribes have a god too? Do we want retribution from other tribes?

allebelujawaguh

Say what you want but the gods are on our side.

Running faucet

We should at least act civilized, even if we aren’t!

In a bit of a furor chief breaks them up

shrinking tree

Stop all this, settle down. Alright now perhaps we should settle this in a more civilized manor. I would like both sides to prepare a case for their point of view, and we will have a civilized debate on the matter. Can we all agree to this?

allebelujawaguh and running faucet

Yes

shrinking tree

Very well, this meeting is adjourned until the tribal council signal.

lights down

scene 3: a contentious parting

Morgan and Steve are on their journey; they walk onto stage and pause.

steve

Now remember this is a tribe of violent brutal savages with no concept of law or mercy or common decency and absolutely nothing in common with our civilization.

Not really paying attention

morgan

They sound awful, look can we stop for lunch I’m right peckish.

steve

Fair enough we’re making good time. Just remember we’ve got to try and make the food last

morgan

I gotcha. So how far do you think we have?

steve

We’re close I think we’ll reach them by today or tomorrow.

morgan

Is that all the better estimate you can give me?

steve

Yes frankly it is, do you have a problem with that?

morgan

Yeah that’s what you said yesterday and we’re no closer. And I’ve got blisters and leeches, we lost all our equipment, I’ve probably got malaria. And you ask if I’ve got a problem, like you don’t know!

steve

How is all that my fault?

morgan

Well whose idea was this stupid trip in the first place?

steve

How dare you call it stupid! I worked my tail off for years to get the grant money. And this is important work. I finally get the money and you just bellyache and moan about how horrible it all is. You think leaches are bad, you haven’t seen bad until you’ve seen the people in my field fighting over grants. They make leaches look saintly!

Morgan

So what, like I care about your stupid academic squabbling. Do you think a real man like me worries about such things?

steve

Oh no, no you never would you’re too worried about not falling off the wagon. Which as last weeks bender indicates you aren’t succeeding at. And yeah I totally agree that’s how a “real” man acts.

morgan

Oh yeah well at least I’m not a loser!

steve

You call getting a PhD. And doing advanced epidemiological research being a loser!

morgan

Exactly.

steve

That’s not nice!

Morgan laughs.

steve

You’re so uncouth, you just laugh at people you insult.

morgan

Need I remind you that you’re the one who brought us on this stupid trip?

steve

Oh that, bah don’t be silly don’t get hung up on that. It’s in the past. If you didn’t drink so much you’d never agree to these things

Flustered

morgan

Why I never… Fine look, to hell with you! I can fiond this stupid tribe on my own!

steve

Fine be like that, you lousy drunk.

Morgan exits

steve

Ha he won’t last a minute in this jungle.

Card person carries across card saying “six hours later”

Lights down

Steve appears to have taken a light nap, he looks around confused realizing Morgan hasn’t returned

steve

Damn. That fool what does he think he’s doing? He’ll get himself killed alone.

Sighs heavily

steve

I suppose I’ll have to follow him.

lights down

scene 4 second tribal council

Same people and setting as first tribal council

zeighdaughk

Here Here. I hereby call to order the special council on people killing. Today we will hear testimony from brothers Timepiece and Running faucet.

timepiece

Um, hi I have a few statements prepared on the question of people killing. First off I must tell you where my biases on the question lie. I have very little to do with people killing I neither derive profit nor pleasure from people killing. I will not claim this frees me from all biases, however I can claim I am relatively disinterested in the subject. Now I shall make the case for people killing. First I will start from the origins of people killing then proceed to economic impact and conclude with a view to the future of killing people.

In the days beyond the chieftanage of the great Severed Tree, in the time before the great tribal unity and the glorious peace of antigil and before the dawn of memory. The mighty god of the before times Kinweg who decreed that killing people is super fun and we should do it often. We have in essence been following this decree since before the dawn of memory. And while it has not always brought peace and harmony people killing has been with us. Yes it has not always been happy times, there was the time of the first incrimination, and the second incrimination, as well as the third, and then of course the fourth through twelfth incriminations. However for the last twenty years under the mighty shrinking tree and his steadfast support of people killing it has been smooth sailing. As you can see there is nothing in the long history of people killing to contradict it as a historical principal. Let this account suffice in the historical question.

On the question of the economic impact or more appropriately the dialectical conflict between the worker and the people being killed, Let us begin from first principles i.e. the worker. Now the worker is a primary because it is from the worker that all wealth flows. Workers use many tool in their work, so we see the people killer uses a knife or some other implement and the carpenter uses a hammer. So it is not in this aspect that they differ. The worker also has a medium, as we see with a painter, so we see that the canvas of the people killer is the person from outside the tribe.

So thus we see there is no essential difference between any workers or their interests. This brings us to the question that is truly at hand that of whether we have the right to deprive any worker of the means to fulfill his trade, to restrict his right to earn a living. Some may object that the right to life of the hunted people trumps that of the worker. All I say is does the right of the canvas trump that of the painter? In an effort to brevity let me conclude this point and move to the future of people killing.

Some say that people killing is an outdated sociopathic practice. A tradition that has no business in the future, a horrible leftover of our savage past. One might be drawn to wonder where these ideas come from, where the reassurance of theses people come from; god, tradition? It is foolish to believe these who say a new age is dawning when we have no precedent to show us. Do not be fooled by outlandish claims and fancy speeches the future belongs to people killing. The future does not belong to dissenters, our future is bright and hopeful. We must not deviate from the path.

Those are my remarks thank you for your time.

Much of the tribe is sound asleep

shrinking tree

Thank you, thank you Timepiece. Wake up people; come on now this is too important to be sleeping. That was a fine piece of speaking from brother Timepiece, now brother Running faucet will present the contrary view. Running faucet.

running faucet

Look this is insane; first let me comment on what my good friend and colleague said. This is absolutely nuts, we’re talking about killing people here not painting a picture or hunting an animal, but a human being! I don’t know how we can sit here debating such a barbaric practice in a civilized manner, my brain just can’t process it. This isn’t about tradition or the gods the issue is much simpler than that. Look..

Allebelujawaguh enters interrupting Running Faucet. He runs in breathing heavily.

allebelujawaguh

Come quick everyone it’s a foreigner! We get to kill him

zeighdaughk

Yay!

timepiece

Woohoo!

george

Alright!

Everyone except shrinking tree, running faucet, and Peter exit.

running faucet

Man I can’t believe people

To peter

running faucet

You know if things keep going like this we’ll never get anywhere. We can’t just keep killing people like this we’ll never get anywhere. It’s just stupid, how will we integrate into the modern global society? It’s ludicrous to think that we can have a place in the 21^st century if we keep killing people.

peter

You know I agree entirely, our tribe is backwards. Why when I was at oxford people killing was totally unheard of. And it certainly wasn’t tolerated even if they were foreigners.

running faucet

That’s incredible

Long contemplative sigh

running faucet

Wait, when did you go to oxford?

peter

Well… you know, look nevermind that that’s not really important now. Uh yeah you know, what is important is, uh killing people is bad, right.

running faucet

Yeah, yeah you’re right killing people is bad. So how do we go about stopping this?

peter

I don’t have any idea. My…

He’s interrupted by shrinking tree

shrinking tree

Perhaps I could have a suggestion.

running faucet

Chief sitting tree!

peter

We, we didn’t see you there

lights down

scene five

Morgan is tied up in center stage. The tribe is having a relaxed picnic around him. Peter and George are missing. Steve enters and speaks to the audience.

steve

Oh no they’ve captured Morgan! This is horrible he’ll be killed!

I’m gonna go hide behind a tree.

morgan

You barbarians! I spit at you! I don’t fear you savages!

zeighdaughk

Shut up. Here have some cake.

morgan

To hell with you and your stupid cake!

zeighdaughk

No cake? Are you sure you don’t want just a little?

morgan

Well I mean I do like chocolate cake, uh… wait, no!@ you’re horrible savages! I’ll not have you’re horrible savage cake! To hell with you I don’t even want your damn cake!

zeighdaughk

Fine, goodness I just offered you some cake. I’m not forcing you to eat it.

Morgan thinks about how good that cake would taste

morgan

You… I um.

zeighdaughk

Yes?

Morgan

Nothing

zeighdaughk

Oh okay

Zeighdaughk joins Allebelujawaguh and sitting Tree at stage right.

sitting tree

Zeighdaughk where are Peter and George?

zeighdaughk

I don’t know chief I haven’t seen them in hours

sitting tree

Very well, let’s go find them. Timepiece you and Running Faucet look after the prisoner

timepiece

Alright chief I’ll look after them

Zeighdaughk Allebelujawaguh and Sitting Tree exit.

Running faucet

Tell us your name prisoner.

morgan

My name is Morgan.

running faucet

Good Morgan.

morgan

Please don’t kill me, I swear I don’t deserve to die. I’m young I have a wife and kids.

running faucet

You don’t really have a wife and kids do you?

morgan

Well no… I don’t, but please don’t kill me!

running faucet

Haha don’t worry we won’t kill you.

morgan

Oh thank god!

running faucet

Yet.

morgan

You suck! To hell with you!

Timepiece takes Running Faucet to the side

timepiece

What’s gotten into you? I thought you were against killing people.

running faucet

Well I’ve changed my mind I’m all for killing people now.

timepiece

That doesn’t make any sense. I mean you were so against it.

running faucet

Yeah, so things change. Now shut up about it.

timepiece

Alright we don’t have to talk about it. So have we decided what to do with the prisoner?

running tree

Let the chief handle it, I trust his judgment. All we have to do is make sure he doesn’t go anywhere. Which is exceedingly easy given his present state of mobility.

timepiece

You’re right; it is foolish of me to worry.

morgan

Hey! What ar you guys talking about?

running faucet

We’re talking about how we’re going to cook you.

Timepiece is highly shocked and disgusted.

timepiece

We don’t eat people!

running faucet

Shut your trap, of course we do.

Running Faucet kicks Timepiece in an effort to get him to play along.

timepiece

Oh yeah of course, silly me.

running faucet

You’re such a joker.

morgan

What are you two going on about?

runninng faucet

We’re just kidding each other.

Morgan becomes hopeful

morgan

Oh? So you’re not going to eat me?

Running tree is completely deadpan

running tree

Oh no, no we’re definitely going to do that.

Dejectedly

morgan

Oh.

running faucet

Buck up, unhappy food doesn’t taste good.

This comment elicits no response

running faucet

Well look I’m gonna go check up on what the others are doing. Timepiece you keep a good watch on this one.

timepiece

Oh don’t worry I will.

running faucet

Don’t go nibbling off any bits while no one’s looking.

Running Faucet exits. Timepiece is visibly shaken as he watches Running Faucet leave.

morgan

You’re not really going to eat me are you?

Absentmindedly

timepiece

No, of course not.

morgan

But you are going to kill me?

timepiece

Most probably

Steve starts moving in the bushes and comes forward to address the audience.

steve

Now’s my chance he’s just got one guard. I can rescue him easily.

Steve sneaks around behind Timepiece, while he’s doing this Morgan sees him and smiles.

timepiece

What is it, why are you smiling?

morgan

Oh nothing

Steve hits Timepiece over the head, it’s not hard enough to knock him out.

timepiece

Oww! That hurt! Who are you?

steve

I am Steve

timepiece

What do you want?

morgan

He’s come to rescue me!

timepiece

Oh he has I thought you said you were alone.

morgan

I may have said that, it’s so hard to recall

Steve begins trying to untie Morgan.

timepiece

Hey stop that!

steve

Hmm?

timepiece

Stop untying him!

steve

Why?

timepiece

Because I said to, and I’ll hurt you!

steve

Ok

timepiece

Ok what? Hey stop untying him!

steve

Morgan you think you could help me with this knot?

morgan

Sure

Plaintively

timepiece

Look stop this! Stop it, pay attention to me!

Timepiece lets go of his self restraint and begins attacking Steve trying to wrestle him to the ground.

steve

Hey sailor.

timepiece

Hey everybody come quick! I’ve caught another!

Steve is writhing under timepiece while he tries to tie him up

steve

Is this anyway to treat a guest?

lights down

scene six

Morgan and Steve are alone and tied up together center stage

Morgan

Oh this is fantastic! Great job of rescuing me.

Steve

What? I risk my neck and this is the thanks I get? Maybe I just won’t rescue you next time!

morgan

Fine it’s not like your rescuing me did any good this time so you may as well have not bothered!

Steve

Fine I won’t rescue you!

Morgan

I don’t care!

No response

morgan

So… are they really going to kill us?

steve

Almost certainly, I heard that one talking about boiling.

morgan

That sounds unpleasant

steve

You know something that has been bothering me.

morgan

Yes?

steve

Well you notice how they’re all speaking English?

morgan

Yeah, I did notice that, what’s that all about?

steve

I don’t know, it really makes you wonder though.

Morgan

Aren’t you supposed to be the expert on these people?

Steve is reticent about admitting his ignorance

steve

Well it’s not like that you see. I mean I can tell you about other tribes, but I can’t tell you why a tribe with minimal contact with the civilized world speaks English. They’ve never been studied before, so I have nothing to go on. It makes no sense to me.

Entire tribe enters chief first followed by Allebelujawaguh, zeighdaughk, Peter, George, timepiece, and running faucet.

morgan

Oh good look who’s here, looks like they’ve come to kill us.

Steve has a strange look on his face as he recognizes Peter and George. He is in stunned silence for a moment.

allebelujawaguh

Of course we have you insignificant fleas!

shrinking tree

Not so fast Allebelujawaguh! The tribal council has decided…

Steve not paying attention to the chief stammers

steve

P-P-Peter? George? I but… you were dead. How? What’s going on here?

morgan

What is it Steve? you know these people?

Peter steps forward

peter

Haha, of course. I should have known you’d try to follow us Steve you were always such a follower

Steve

But they said you were dead.

peter

Oh yeah well you know it’s like this we met up with this tribe and they were just so nice we had to stay.

morgan

Nice! You call these people nice? They’re a bunch of crazed savages.

peter

Haha, Steve you had better keep your friend there quiet, he doesn’t seem to know what’s best for him.

indignantly

morgan

I don’t know! Just wait til I get my hands on you then we’ll see who knows what’s good for’em

steve

Shut it morgan. We’d better listen to what he says.

morgan

Oh you just…

Shrinking tree has been waiting patiently; he now interrupts in a voice that cuts clearly across all others.

shrinking tree

Silence! Enough of this. Now I want everyone to listen. The tribal council has decided that killing people is no longer going to be tolerated.

Many in the tribe gasp

allebelujawaguh

But you can’t! how was this decision reached, we’re members of the tribal council why did we not get a vote?

morgan

So does this mean we’re free?

Peter and George move to free Morgan and Steve no one notices them.

timepiece

Look chief you can’t just decide for the entire tribe while everyone is gone. It’s unethical this is a democracy, a government of laws not men! The law says we must vote on this.

shrinking tree

But we did vote on this

timepiece

What are you talking about

shrinking tree

When the rest of you ran off in a blood lust to capture the prisoner we held a vote.

allebelujawaguh

But how can you the council wasn’t there!

shrinking tree

The council was still in session when you left. Since I am chief I called for a vote, and the measure was passed unanimously.

allebelujawaguh

But, that’s not in the rules. Who was there?

shrinking tree

Why it was myself, running faucet and Peter.

allebelujawaguh

But they’re the only advocates of rolling back the law on killing people in our tribe!

steve

What’s he saying? So you were for people killing George?

Sheepishly

george

Well, yeah what can I say? I like killing people.

Morgan and Steve are now free and standing around, Timepiece has been standing around thinking deeply. He speaks to Running Faucet.

timepiece

So all that stuff about killing and eating the prisoners was just an act? You knew we weren’t going to kill them? Why didn’t you tell me?

running faucet

It was fun, besides the chief wanted to be able to announce it himself.

peter

Now would be a good time to make an exit, we can let them discuss this amongst themselves.

Peter, George, Morgan, and Steve quietly make their exit.

lights down

scene seven

Peter, George, Morgan, and Steve enter stage right.

steve

So tell me what made you decide to stay with this tribe? We all thought you were dead?

peter

It’s simple really, I was bored with the academic life and George needed to get away from some people.

Morgan

So does anyone have anything to drink around here?

George

I’ve got this stuff the tribe likes to drink, it’s pretty strong.

George hands it to Morgan.

morgan

Thanks, it’s been almost a week. It’s been years since I went that long without a drink. I just can’t survive.

peter

And well since you know. You can’t really know anything in this world I said why not stay how do I know their society is any better or worse than ours? I mean how do you really define civilization? Who’s to say they aren’t civilized?

steve

Ah, well peter I’m sure you love it, but well… I think Morgan will agree, we want to leave, so do you think you could get us out of here?

Peter

Of course we can get you out of here how far do you need to go?

steve

We need to get to the closest bit of civilization

peter

That’ll be no trouble at all, oh yeah tell my family I’m ok.

steve

Sure no problem.

lights down

scene eight

Running Faucet and Sitting Tree are alone on stage

running Faucet

So you’re resigning as chief? And you want me to take over the position for you? Wow, this is a lot to deal with.

shrinking tree

Yes, you see I am old and it’s time I step down. And I have I have seen you show the leadership ability to lead our tribe in the globalized world of the 21^st century.

running faucet

Thank you chief this is a great great honor. I only hope I can live up to it.

shrinking tree

Well you’ll need to win the election first

They both enjoy a hearty knee-slapping laugh.

fade out

scene nine a funny thing happened on the way to the…

Steve and Morgan walk across the stage and pause for a drink.

steve

You know what Morgan?

Morgan stops

morgan

No, what?

steve

I’m sure glad to get away from that tribe of crazed savages, and I’ll be glad to get back to civilization where they don’t kill people and believe in law and democracy. And they don’t torture people and act capriciously in deciding their fate.

Morgan

Indeed Steve indeed.

They continue on walking as the lights fade out.

the end