Malaria the musical*
*not an actual musical
lights up:
scene 1 Morgan and steve
Morgan and Steve are sitting around a fire talking
morgan
Steve! Look what is that?
steve
Relax Morgan we’re in the jungle don’t worry.
morgan
Don’t worry? Is there a better time to worry?
steve
Look it’s not that you shouldn’t worry, but plenty of things move in the jungle. Don’t worry about every single one.
morgan
Will you tell me when it’s a good time to worry?
steve
Yes, I’ll tell you when to worry
morgan
Thank you.
Pause
morgan
So where are we going?
steve
Well there’s this tribe I wanted to visit and they live about two or three days west of here.
morgan
Oh um… why did I agree to this?
steve
I believe it was because you really care about people and want to help them.
morgan
Oh, was I drunk when I agreed to this?
steve
I can’t say precisely, but most likely.
morgan
So why again did our guides leave?
steve
Well I believe I said, uh they needed to get back to their families.
morgan
And this isn’t true, is it?
steve
No, not as such.
morgan
They were scared, and we’re in horrible danger right?
steve
Yup.
morgan
So, you know I hate you right?
steve
Right
morgan
Kay, just making sure we’re clear on that point.
Pause
morgan
So, what now?
steve
Well we’re going to study the natives and disease patterns for six months and then return to civilization and become world famous anthropologists. Provided they don’t kill us first.
Exasperated
morgan
Provided they don’t kill us? Is this a likely scenario?
steve
Likely, well… yeah you could say that.
morgan
What in the hell do you mean by that?
steve
The last team of researchers to study this tribe was never seen or heard from again, they were probably brutally murdered.
morgan
This is insane! I want to go back and I want to go back now!
steve
Well that’s a bit of a problem.
morgan
What sort of problem?
steve
Y’see I told our guides to meet us back here in six months, and without them we’d get lost and most likely captured or shot by a warlord in a neighboring country. And I… I also forgot the satellite phone.
morgan
Oh… oh, now you tell me all this? When we get out of this don’t ever speak to me again!
steve
Do you want me to start now?
morgan
Now? Good god no, how would we ever survive if we don’t speak.
steve
We should get some rest; we have lots of traveling to do tomorrow.
morgan
I don’t want to find that tribe. For all we know, even if they don’t kill us, they won’t be very nice.
steve
You’re right they probably won’t be very nice, but frankly we can’t survive without their help.
morgan
Why do you always take so long to tell me the important details? Like oh “we can’t survive without them”
Defensively
steve
I don’t always
morgan
Shut it I didn’t ask for an answer… Look alright I guess we have no choice but to meet up with this tribe. Just, please try to not get us killed.
steve
Alright, believe me I’ll try to not get us killed
morgan
Thank you now let’s try to get some sleep
light down
scene 2 tribal council
Peter and George are sitting together they have English accents. Also in this scene Chief shrinking tree, zeighdaughk, allebelujawaguh, timepiece, and running faucet their accent is not kind of a mix of regional accents. The intent is to not place the play in any specific local.
peter
Here here, a little quiet please. Thank you. I now call into order the 301st tribal council and I proudly present the grand honorable chief shrinking tree!
Enter chief shrinking tree stage right
shrinking tree
Hello and welcome to the 301st tribal council. First item on our agenda is the tribal policy of killing people. Now this is on our agenda because Peter and George have voiced concern with the policy. Peter and Georges Eurocentric views are highly questionable; however we will give them the benefit of debating the matter. Now I would like to hear from other tribal representatives.
Zeighdaughk motions to the chief
shrinking tree
Yes Zeighdaughk?
zeighdaughk
Thank you oh mighty chief, I must respectively ask of my good friends whether they have considered the economic impact or given due consideration to the interests of those currently employed in people killing. Look do we really care about people not in our tribe I mean really. The gods created other people for us to kill so why should we defy the will of the gods?
shrinking tree
Thank you for your comments zeighdaughk
Running faucet motions at the chief
shrinking tree
Yes Running faucet?
running faucet
Thank you, now I have not prepared any comments today, but look how can we pretend that people outside of this tribe aren’t people as well. Imagine if you were in another tribe and you were killed by our tribe, you wouldn’t like that much would you? we can’t just keep on killing people it’s thoroughly unethical.
Allebelujawaguh stands angrily
allebelujawaguh
I don’t see what you think you’re getting at here. Of course we have the right to kill people the gods have ordained it!
running faucet
What gods? Your god, my god what god are we talking about? Don’t people in other tribes have a god too? Do we want retribution from other tribes?
allebelujawaguh
Say what you want but the gods are on our side.
Running faucet
We should at least act civilized, even if we aren’t!
In a bit of a furor chief breaks them up
shrinking tree
Stop all this, settle down. Alright now perhaps we should settle this in a more civilized manor. I would like both sides to prepare a case for their point of view, and we will have a civilized debate on the matter. Can we all agree to this?
allebelujawaguh and running faucet
Yes
shrinking tree
Very well, this meeting is adjourned until the tribal council signal.
lights down
scene 3: a contentious parting
Morgan and Steve are on their journey; they walk onto stage and pause.
steve
Now remember this is a tribe of violent brutal savages with no concept of law or mercy or common decency and absolutely nothing in common with our civilization.
Not really paying attention
morgan
They sound awful, look can we stop for lunch I’m right peckish.
steve
Fair enough we’re making good time. Just remember we’ve got to try and make the food last
morgan
I gotcha. So how far do you think we have?
steve
We’re close I think we’ll reach them by today or tomorrow.
morgan
Is that all the better estimate you can give me?
steve
Yes frankly it is, do you have a problem with that?
morgan
Yeah that’s what you said yesterday and we’re no closer. And I’ve got blisters and leeches, we lost all our equipment, I’ve probably got malaria. And you ask if I’ve got a problem, like you don’t know!
steve
How is all that my fault?
morgan
Well whose idea was this stupid trip in the first place?
steve
How dare you call it stupid! I worked my tail off for years to get the grant money. And this is important work. I finally get the money and you just bellyache and moan about how horrible it all is. You think leaches are bad, you haven’t seen bad until you’ve seen the people in my field fighting over grants. They make leaches look saintly!
Morgan
So what, like I care about your stupid academic squabbling. Do you think a real man like me worries about such things?
steve
Oh no, no you never would you’re too worried about not falling off the wagon. Which as last weeks bender indicates you aren’t succeeding at. And yeah I totally agree that’s how a “real” man acts.
morgan
Oh yeah well at least I’m not a loser!
steve
You call getting a PhD. And doing advanced epidemiological research being a loser!
morgan
Exactly.
steve
That’s not nice!
Morgan laughs.
steve
You’re so uncouth, you just laugh at people you insult.
morgan
Need I remind you that you’re the one who brought us on this stupid trip?
steve
Oh that, bah don’t be silly don’t get hung up on that. It’s in the past. If you didn’t drink so much you’d never agree to these things
Flustered
morgan
Why I never… Fine look, to hell with you! I can fiond this stupid tribe on my own!
steve
Fine be like that, you lousy drunk.
Morgan exits
steve
Ha he won’t last a minute in this jungle.
Card person carries across card saying “six hours later”
Lights down
Steve appears to have taken a light nap, he looks around confused realizing Morgan hasn’t returned
steve
Damn. That fool what does he think he’s doing? He’ll get himself killed alone.
Sighs heavily
steve
I suppose I’ll have to follow him.
lights down
scene 4 second tribal council
Same people and setting as first tribal council
zeighdaughk
Here Here. I hereby call to order the special council on people killing. Today we will hear testimony from brothers Timepiece and Running faucet.
timepiece
Um, hi I have a few statements prepared on the question of people killing. First off I must tell you where my biases on the question lie. I have very little to do with people killing I neither derive profit nor pleasure from people killing. I will not claim this frees me from all biases, however I can claim I am relatively disinterested in the subject. Now I shall make the case for people killing. First I will start from the origins of people killing then proceed to economic impact and conclude with a view to the future of killing people.
In the days beyond the chieftanage of the great Severed Tree, in the time before the great tribal unity and the glorious peace of antigil and before the dawn of memory. The mighty god of the before times Kinweg who decreed that killing people is super fun and we should do it often. We have in essence been following this decree since before the dawn of memory. And while it has not always brought peace and harmony people killing has been with us. Yes it has not always been happy times, there was the time of the first incrimination, and the second incrimination, as well as the third, and then of course the fourth through twelfth incriminations. However for the last twenty years under the mighty shrinking tree and his steadfast support of people killing it has been smooth sailing. As you can see there is nothing in the long history of people killing to contradict it as a historical principal. Let this account suffice in the historical question.
On the question of the economic impact or more appropriately the dialectical conflict between the worker and the people being killed, Let us begin from first principles i.e. the worker. Now the worker is a primary because it is from the worker that all wealth flows. Workers use many tool in their work, so we see the people killer uses a knife or some other implement and the carpenter uses a hammer. So it is not in this aspect that they differ. The worker also has a medium, as we see with a painter, so we see that the canvas of the people killer is the person from outside the tribe.
So thus we see there is no essential difference between any workers or their interests. This brings us to the question that is truly at hand that of whether we have the right to deprive any worker of the means to fulfill his trade, to restrict his right to earn a living. Some may object that the right to life of the hunted people trumps that of the worker. All I say is does the right of the canvas trump that of the painter? In an effort to brevity let me conclude this point and move to the future of people killing.
Some say that people killing is an outdated sociopathic practice. A tradition that has no business in the future, a horrible leftover of our savage past. One might be drawn to wonder where these ideas come from, where the reassurance of theses people come from; god, tradition? It is foolish to believe these who say a new age is dawning when we have no precedent to show us. Do not be fooled by outlandish claims and fancy speeches the future belongs to people killing. The future does not belong to dissenters, our future is bright and hopeful. We must not deviate from the path.
Those are my remarks thank you for your time.
Much of the tribe is sound asleep
shrinking tree
Thank you, thank you Timepiece. Wake up people; come on now this is too important to be sleeping. That was a fine piece of speaking from brother Timepiece, now brother Running faucet will present the contrary view. Running faucet.
running faucet
Look this is insane; first let me comment on what my good friend and colleague said. This is absolutely nuts, we’re talking about killing people here not painting a picture or hunting an animal, but a human being! I don’t know how we can sit here debating such a barbaric practice in a civilized manner, my brain just can’t process it. This isn’t about tradition or the gods the issue is much simpler than that. Look..
Allebelujawaguh enters interrupting Running Faucet. He runs in breathing heavily.
allebelujawaguh
Come quick everyone it’s a foreigner! We get to kill him
zeighdaughk
Yay!
timepiece
Woohoo!
george
Alright!
Everyone except shrinking tree, running faucet, and Peter exit.
running faucet
Man I can’t believe people
To peter
running faucet
You know if things keep going like this we’ll never get anywhere. We can’t just keep killing people like this we’ll never get anywhere. It’s just stupid, how will we integrate into the modern global society? It’s ludicrous to think that we can have a place in the 21st century if we keep killing people.
peter
You know I agree entirely, our tribe is backwards. Why when I was at oxford people killing was totally unheard of. And it certainly wasn’t tolerated even if they were foreigners.
running faucet
That’s incredible
Long contemplative sigh
running faucet
Wait, when did you go to oxford?
peter
Well… you know, look nevermind that that’s not really important now. Uh yeah you know, what is important is, uh killing people is bad, right.
running faucet
Yeah, yeah you’re right killing people is bad. So how do we go about stopping this?
peter
I don’t have any idea. My…
He’s interrupted by shrinking tree
shrinking tree
Perhaps I could have a suggestion.
running faucet
Chief sitting tree!
peter
We, we didn’t see you there
lights down
scene five
Morgan is tied up in center stage. The tribe is having a relaxed picnic around him. Peter and George are missing. Steve enters and speaks to the audience.
steve
Oh no they’ve captured Morgan! This is horrible he’ll be killed!
I’m gonna go hide behind a tree.
morgan
You barbarians! I spit at you! I don’t fear you savages!
zeighdaughk
Shut up. Here have some cake.
morgan
To hell with you and your stupid cake!
zeighdaughk
No cake? Are you sure you don’t want just a little?
morgan
Well I mean I do like chocolate cake, uh… wait, no!@ you’re horrible savages! I’ll not have you’re horrible savage cake! To hell with you I don’t even want your damn cake!
zeighdaughk
Fine, goodness I just offered you some cake. I’m not forcing you to eat it.
Morgan thinks about how good that cake would taste
morgan
You… I um.
zeighdaughk
Yes?
Morgan
Nothing
zeighdaughk
Oh okay
Zeighdaughk joins Allebelujawaguh and sitting Tree at stage right.
sitting tree
Zeighdaughk where are Peter and George?
zeighdaughk
I don’t know chief I haven’t seen them in hours
sitting tree
Very well, let’s go find them. Timepiece you and Running Faucet look after the prisoner
timepiece
Alright chief I’ll look after them
Zeighdaughk Allebelujawaguh and Sitting Tree exit.
Running faucet
Tell us your name prisoner.
morgan
My name is Morgan.
running faucet
Good Morgan.
morgan
Please don’t kill me, I swear I don’t deserve to die. I’m young I have a wife and kids.
running faucet
You don’t really have a wife and kids do you?
morgan
Well no… I don’t, but please don’t kill me!
running faucet
Haha don’t worry we won’t kill you.
morgan
Oh thank god!
running faucet
Yet.
morgan
You suck! To hell with you!
Timepiece takes Running Faucet to the side
timepiece
What’s gotten into you? I thought you were against killing people.
running faucet
Well I’ve changed my mind I’m all for killing people now.
timepiece
That doesn’t make any sense. I mean you were so against it.
running faucet
Yeah, so things change. Now shut up about it.
timepiece
Alright we don’t have to talk about it. So have we decided what to do with the prisoner?
running tree
Let the chief handle it, I trust his judgment. All we have to do is make sure he doesn’t go anywhere. Which is exceedingly easy given his present state of mobility.
timepiece
You’re right; it is foolish of me to worry.
morgan
Hey! What ar you guys talking about?
running faucet
We’re talking about how we’re going to cook you.
Timepiece is highly shocked and disgusted.
timepiece
We don’t eat people!
running faucet
Shut your trap, of course we do.
Running Faucet kicks Timepiece in an effort to get him to play along.
timepiece
Oh yeah of course, silly me.
running faucet
You’re such a joker.
morgan
What are you two going on about?
runninng faucet
We’re just kidding each other.
Morgan becomes hopeful
morgan
Oh? So you’re not going to eat me?
Running tree is completely deadpan
running tree
Oh no, no we’re definitely going to do that.
Dejectedly
morgan
Oh.
running faucet
Buck up, unhappy food doesn’t taste good.
This comment elicits no response
running faucet
Well look I’m gonna go check up on what the others are doing. Timepiece you keep a good watch on this one.
timepiece
Oh don’t worry I will.
running faucet
Don’t go nibbling off any bits while no one’s looking.
Running Faucet exits. Timepiece is visibly shaken as he watches Running Faucet leave.
morgan
You’re not really going to eat me are you?
Absentmindedly
timepiece
No, of course not.
morgan
But you are going to kill me?
timepiece
Most probably
Steve starts moving in the bushes and comes forward to address the audience.
steve
Now’s my chance he’s just got one guard. I can rescue him easily.
Steve sneaks around behind Timepiece, while he’s doing this Morgan sees him and smiles.
timepiece
What is it, why are you smiling?
morgan
Oh nothing
Steve hits Timepiece over the head, it’s not hard enough to knock him out.
timepiece
Oww! That hurt! Who are you?
steve
I am Steve
timepiece
What do you want?
morgan
He’s come to rescue me!
timepiece
Oh he has I thought you said you were alone.
morgan
I may have said that, it’s so hard to recall
Steve begins trying to untie Morgan.
timepiece
Hey stop that!
steve
Hmm?
timepiece
Stop untying him!
steve
Why?
timepiece
Because I said to, and I’ll hurt you!
steve
Ok
timepiece
Ok what? Hey stop untying him!
steve
Morgan you think you could help me with this knot?
morgan
Sure
Plaintively
timepiece
Look stop this! Stop it, pay attention to me!
Timepiece lets go of his self restraint and begins attacking Steve trying to wrestle him to the ground.
steve
Hey sailor.
timepiece
Hey everybody come quick! I’ve caught another!
Steve is writhing under timepiece while he tries to tie him up
steve
Is this anyway to treat a guest?
lights down
scene six
Morgan and Steve are alone and tied up together center stage
Morgan
Oh this is fantastic! Great job of rescuing me.
Steve
What? I risk my neck and this is the thanks I get? Maybe I just won’t rescue you next time!
morgan
Fine it’s not like your rescuing me did any good this time so you may as well have not bothered!
Steve
Fine I won’t rescue you!
Morgan
I don’t care!
No response
morgan
So… are they really going to kill us?
steve
Almost certainly, I heard that one talking about boiling.
morgan
That sounds unpleasant
steve
You know something that has been bothering me.
morgan
Yes?
steve
Well you notice how they’re all speaking English?
morgan
Yeah, I did notice that, what’s that all about?
steve
I don’t know, it really makes you wonder though.
Morgan
Aren’t you supposed to be the expert on these people?
Steve is reticent about admitting his ignorance
steve
Well it’s not like that you see. I mean I can tell you about other tribes, but I can’t tell you why a tribe with minimal contact with the civilized world speaks English. They’ve never been studied before, so I have nothing to go on. It makes no sense to me.
Entire tribe enters chief first followed by Allebelujawaguh, zeighdaughk, Peter, George, timepiece, and running faucet.
morgan
Oh good look who’s here, looks like they’ve come to kill us.
Steve has a strange look on his face as he recognizes Peter and George. He is in stunned silence for a moment.
allebelujawaguh
Of course we have you insignificant fleas!
shrinking tree
Not so fast Allebelujawaguh! The tribal council has decided…
Steve not paying attention to the chief stammers
steve
P-P-Peter? George? I but… you were dead. How? What’s going on here?
morgan
What is it Steve? you know these people?
Peter steps forward
peter
Haha, of course. I should have known you’d try to follow us Steve you were always such a follower
Steve
But they said you were dead.
peter
Oh yeah well you know it’s like this we met up with this tribe and they were just so nice we had to stay.
morgan
Nice! You call these people nice? They’re a bunch of crazed savages.
peter
Haha, Steve you had better keep your friend there quiet, he doesn’t seem to know what’s best for him.
indignantly
morgan
I don’t know! Just wait til I get my hands on you then we’ll see who knows what’s good for’em
steve
Shut it morgan. We’d better listen to what he says.
morgan
Oh you just…
Shrinking tree has been waiting patiently; he now interrupts in a voice that cuts clearly across all others.
shrinking tree
Silence! Enough of this. Now I want everyone to listen. The tribal council has decided that killing people is no longer going to be tolerated.
Many in the tribe gasp
allebelujawaguh
But you can’t! how was this decision reached, we’re members of the tribal council why did we not get a vote?
morgan
So does this mean we’re free?
Peter and George move to free Morgan and Steve no one notices them.
timepiece
Look chief you can’t just decide for the entire tribe while everyone is gone. It’s unethical this is a democracy, a government of laws not men! The law says we must vote on this.
shrinking tree
But we did vote on this
timepiece
What are you talking about
shrinking tree
When the rest of you ran off in a blood lust to capture the prisoner we held a vote.
allebelujawaguh
But how can you the council wasn’t there!
shrinking tree
The council was still in session when you left. Since I am chief I called for a vote, and the measure was passed unanimously.
allebelujawaguh
But, that’s not in the rules. Who was there?
shrinking tree
Why it was myself, running faucet and Peter.
allebelujawaguh
But they’re the only advocates of rolling back the law on killing people in our tribe!
steve
What’s he saying? So you were for people killing George?
Sheepishly
george
Well, yeah what can I say? I like killing people.
Morgan and Steve are now free and standing around, Timepiece has been standing around thinking deeply. He speaks to Running Faucet.
timepiece
So all that stuff about killing and eating the prisoners was just an act? You knew we weren’t going to kill them? Why didn’t you tell me?
running faucet
It was fun, besides the chief wanted to be able to announce it himself.
peter
Now would be a good time to make an exit, we can let them discuss this amongst themselves.
Peter, George, Morgan, and Steve quietly make their exit.
lights down
scene seven
Peter, George, Morgan, and Steve enter stage right.
steve
So tell me what made you decide to stay with this tribe? We all thought you were dead?
peter
It’s simple really, I was bored with the academic life and George needed to get away from some people.
Morgan
So does anyone have anything to drink around here?
George
I’ve got this stuff the tribe likes to drink, it’s pretty strong.
George hands it to Morgan.
morgan
Thanks, it’s been almost a week. It’s been years since I went that long without a drink. I just can’t survive.
peter
And well since you know. You can’t really know anything in this world I said why not stay how do I know their society is any better or worse than ours? I mean how do you really define civilization? Who’s to say they aren’t civilized?
steve
Ah, well peter I’m sure you love it, but well… I think Morgan will agree, we want to leave, so do you think you could get us out of here?
Peter
Of course we can get you out of here how far do you need to go?
steve
We need to get to the closest bit of civilization
peter
That’ll be no trouble at all, oh yeah tell my family I’m ok.
steve
Sure no problem.
lights down
scene eight
Running Faucet and Sitting Tree are alone on stage
running Faucet
So you’re resigning as chief? And you want me to take over the position for you? Wow, this is a lot to deal with.
shrinking tree
Yes, you see I am old and it’s time I step down. And I have I have seen you show the leadership ability to lead our tribe in the globalized world of the 21st century.
running faucet
Thank you chief this is a great great honor. I only hope I can live up to it.
shrinking tree
Well you’ll need to win the election first
They both enjoy a hearty knee-slapping laugh.
fade out
scene nine a funny thing happened on the way to the…
Steve and Morgan walk across the stage and pause for a drink.
steve
You know what Morgan?
Morgan stops
morgan
No, what?
steve
I’m sure glad to get away from that tribe of crazed savages, and I’ll be glad to get back to civilization where they don’t kill people and believe in law and democracy. And they don’t torture people and act capriciously in deciding their fate.
Morgan
Indeed Steve indeed.
They continue on walking as the lights fade out.
the end
